I feel like I've turned a corner with this breakup. The last two weeks have been particularly difficult because I've had about as much social interaction as a monk (and not the kind that gets his jollies off by dipping beneath the robes of other monks). I've been despairing this relationship--nothing new--and feeling abysmally depressed about my life--the return of something not so new but alarming in its recurrence. Wednesday felt like it would never end.

I was supposed to go out with Melissa tonight, dancing or clubbing or whatever we could find to get our minds off being single. And then C called. I made a plea to Melissa that I needed sex more than I needed clubbing, so we abridged the evening to be a meal at the sushi place around the corner from her house. I checked the phone twice in anticipation that C might ring for a "movie". He never called; no skin off my back considering I was thinking of him as my "in a pinch" person anyway. So Melissa and I grabbed some ice cream, and wandered over and installed ourselves on the arena seating in the back of The Bar on Castro.

After an hour of chatting with Melissa and ogling boys, we decided to leave. A guy was on the sidewalk right outside the bar. He approached, we exchanged names (Angel is his), I gave him my number. He then asked me for a hug. Then a kiss. Then he gets a little more fresh than I want, but whatever. I gave him my number because it's been a while since anyone asked for it. Then I had Melissa escort me down the street to Nirvana; frankly, he seemed to be about half my age and far too up in my business with the smooches. Sometimes I do wish I drank just enough to get sloppy with a stranger in the foyer of a restaurant on Castro Street.

I ended up at The Mix. Turns out Castleberry was there. I wanted just to leave, because I felt like a fool with no friends to hang out with. But Castleberry was welcoming, so I stayed. Met his friend Marcus. Then the infamous Tork Alyssa is always touting as the be-all-end-all of her San Francisco youth.

After a while, Castleberry, Tork and Marcus made reference to leaving to go someplace else. I didn't want to invite myself along, since I already had a huge "L is for Lonely" branded on my forehead. But Castleberry invited me along. We went to The Eagle, where I haven't been in years. We stayed there for a bit, watched him play pool. Eventually went to The Stud. I played Ms. PacMan. Ended the evening by way of broaching food, and hopped in a cab with Jason, Tork and Tork's friend John whom we'd met at The Eagle. Off to The Grub Steak, a diner on Polk.

Castleberry and I talked about relationship stuff. He didn't know I'd been dating B for the past 9 months. Didn't know, therefore, that we'd broken up. I realized in talking with him that there actually are men who are better than B at being mature and considerate, that maybe B was right to say I deserved more than he had to offer.

Jason said it well: "You can't expect yourself not to be generous." In other words, I can't expect that I'll hold back how I feel from B when I'm around him, so it's best not to be around him, so I can move on. And that's what I feel like was happening tonight. I was literally moving on from bar to bar as well as from this last relationship. It's only now I see it, because for the first time in months, I didn't think about him throughout the evening. I was having fun and being entertained. That felt so good.