I went to a brunch over at Brian's friend Jeremy's house. A lot of possessives in that sentence, which is appropriate given how I feel now.

I went because Brian invited me and I figured it would be a good gesture.

I trudged through the rain, ogling the joggers and musing to myself, "People who run must have a lot of dedication, to be going out in such incredibly shitty weather." Then I realized that I indeed am one of those people who goes out in the rain, ignoring the little devil whispering "hibernation" into one ear while paying way too much heed to the angel whispering "reconciliation" into the other ear.

Anyway, I went, and realized that I must be dedicated to working things out with Brian as best as possible, despite inclement weather, despite getting wet, cold and lonely on the journey there. When Brian called, I'd said, I may not be coming, to which he said, "Well, I'm not going if you're not coming." I felt some special dispensation, like the Pope granting me importance in the afterlife.

But I felt incredible envy when I arrived and noticed Brian playing Trivial Pursuit, partnered with the only attractive man at the table. I couldn't help but use laser-like glares to skin the guy alive. I think I even said some rudenesses that no one else would notice as venomous.

The real kicker came as everyone was leaving. There was a kinda cute guy flirting with Brian. I felt so uncomfortable and angry. Let me put that in visceral terms: I felt like a dog must feel when it's young are being taken away, like I could easily gnaw through this guy's arm or take out a big piece of his flesh. It was driving me crazy and I hated that Brian wasn't pushing the guy away. Not that he was explicitly welcoming the flirtation, but it was so uncomfortable that I knew I had to leave.

So I left. Right after asking Brian if he was going to go to a movie with these guys. He didn't know, which leads me to believe that, yes, he is indeed going to sleep with this guy. In either case, he was the one who invited me to the brunch, he was the one who said he wouldn't go if I didn't attend too, and he was the one who was staying on after I'd left. And, at the same time, I get that he's not going to actually bestow the special dispensation on me; he's really just going to look out for his best interest, or simply not see the courtesy that seems obvious to me.

I know it's not that simple, but that's certainly how it feels.

I just want him to be miserable, too. I want to hear that he's having a really hard time with this. And I don't want to hear about or witness sex between him and someone else. That much I'm truly clear about.

I say it's all about jealousy and envy because I feel like, sitting on the bus, riding home, the biggest pain in my chest came from imagining him with someone else. And while I'm not going to try the impossible and cut off my imagination, I did see, just for an instant, that the pain came from some delusion that I should always be the center of his attention, that I should always be the most attractive person, and that I would feel differently if someone were to flash such seductive eyes in my direction instead of his, and that, in the end, it's my imagination I'm left with. It will either glean more pain from what happened, or it will garner more creative projects, like writing until I feel a bit of peace at the end of the day.