I didn't realize how grateful I could be for the distraction of a relationship. Brushing my teeth tonight I thought, I wish I could just crawl into bed with Brian and watch a movie. I wish I could just crawl into his arms and fall asleep. I know I need to find that with someone else. But what a different place I'm in this year compared to last. I thought turning 30 would be the moment I'd look back on as the step beyond all this loathing-what's-happening bullshit. But it's not. It's all right here, still beating in my breast.