So Dan is likely moving in with Anthony, to a new apartment in the sky (of Long Beach, California). I suppose (note the restricted sense of excitement) I'm happy for him. I asked, late at night as I fell asleep on his floor, if he thought he'd end up marrying Anthony. His first response: "What makes you ask me that?" I intimated the premonition I'd had simply from observing how Dan spoke about their relationship. A few minutes later, he said, "I think so."

I actually am happy for Dan. He deserves everything good that can come to him. It's just that what Dan is getting is like an inverted photo of what I'm getting; the pictures couldn't be more opposing. Anthony is ready to move in with Dan after 4 months and after 9 months Brian doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship. Yippee.

This sucks. Meredith and Lee mentioned that absence makes romanticizing the relationship easier, like the weight of these months together has no bearing on my estimation that we could have carried things further.

I just feel like sitting at home and writing tonight. I don't really want to be out and about, partying all night long.

Sidenote: a bunny rabbit showed up in the backyard this morning. I called the SPCA, Meredith and Lee were set to help me deliver the rabbit over to 15th and Harrison, but I waffled and couldn't give him up. So I kept him in my closet. Now's a great time to hoard the affection of a warm object. If it's not going to be Brian, it'll be some other mammal, one that can't leap higher than a foot and doesn't understand how to open doors.

6:35 pm

I'm not enjoying the part of breaking up where we talk on the phone and I feel all giddy inside, then he says something stupid that makes me wonder why I'm spending my time thinking romantic thoughts about him. He asked me to remind him by calling him before I get to his house.

I'm having trouble reconciling his behavior with what I remember. Back at month 3, he sent me a testimonial for my Friendster page:

Brian, 06/09/2004:
oooh, i want this one. Can i have him,
pleeease? He's the cutest one...oh, look at
him! I promise I'll feed him, play with him,
and pick up his poop! If I can't have him I'll
die,,,I'll just die! He's so soft and cuddly
and...he just peed on me.

I feel like he couldn't be farther from taking care of me the way he once envisioned. That's bitchy and shitty. But then I just know a little more clearly that I'd like to be with someone who can actually do those things.